How to Make New Friends as an Adult

Feeling lonely? You're not alone.

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When I was younger, I had no problem making and maintaining friendships. Seeing the same people every day at school, summer camp, or after-school activities made forming connections almost effortless. Now, as a solo entrepreneur and author who spends a lot of time working alone—and in the wake of three (!!) of my dearest friends separately moving to the East Coast—I’ve found myself a bit stumped. How does one make new friends as an adult without the built-in social structures of school or a consistent work community?

As I’ve started searching for solutions it’s become clear that I am far from the only one grappling with this. The Surgeon General has declared loneliness a national health crisis, more dangerous for our health than smoking. There has been a surge in books, articles, and podcasts discussing the topic of loneliness and adult friendship. To some degree it makes sense. Between the forced isolation from the global pandemic, the radical shift to work-from-home culture, rapid advances in technology (there’s an app for that!), and the transience of modern life (i.e. why do all of my friends keep moving away?!), it seems there’s more working against us than for us in the relationship department.

I decided to get to work looking into solutions (I write about this in much greater length in my new book), but I have rounded up a bunch of small, actionable suggestions below.

Establish a Local Ritual

My brother-in-law, Ben, who researches everything, claims that the key to making new friends is casual, consistent contact, which makes perfect sense. You can create new opportunities for connection by establishing regular rituals in your neighborhood or community. This could mean taking a local class or workshop, joining a neighborhood group, community garden, or co-working space, or simply frequenting the same coffee shop each morning. Repeated, low-pressure contact leads to friendship over time.

Dole Out Compliments

True story: I met one of my best friends in the whole world because she chased me down to ask where I got my ring. We started chatting and ended up totally hitting it off. Everyone loves a compliment, and saying something like, “I love that ring/sweater/bag,” is an easy, non-awkward way to start a conversation. Try it.

Linger Longer

I tend to race through my days, which doesn’t leave many openings for establishing new connections. I’m also the queen of the speedy exit, known for leaving parties early and even rolling up my yoga mat and bouncing before class is officially over. Unsurprisingly, this is a terrible way to meet new people. If this sounds like you, challenge yourself to linger (even just a bit) longer in social situations. Practice being curious and open instead of racing out the door.

Join Something—Anything

Gathering around a shared interest is a surefire way to meet new people with whom you can be sure you have at least one thing in common. Find something that excites you—hiking, pickleball, salsa dancing, ceramics, macrame, whatever—and join an organized group. Years ago, I took an 8-week non-fiction writing class. Our little group became so close so quickly that we continued meeting at each other’s homes for years.

Find a Support Group

We’re lucky to live in a time where there is a support group for just about everything. If you’ve gone through something difficult like grief, addiction, or loss (and who hasn’t?), chances are there’s a group out there for you. After my father died, I joined several grief and loss groups, which were incredibly helpful and made me feel dramatically less alone.

Get Over Yourself and Host

Take responsibility for creating your own opportunities for connection. Instead of waiting for an invitation, extend one to others. Very recently I started hosting a “people I like” party. It’s a good excuse to gather some of the people I like (but rarely see), and it couldn’t be easier. I put out some snacks and sweets and everyone brings a beverage and mingles. I’ve been hosting it as an afternoon drop in affair so it feels casual and low-stakes to swing by. My sister-in-law, Mandy, hosts potlucks for other parents on her block from 4–6 p.m. on Sundays. Everyone brings a simple dish, the kids play, and the adults get a chance to chat, drink wine, and catch up. Her husband, Ben (the researcher from before), started a men’s group that meets every Monday night once the kids are in bed. They take turns recapping their week, sharing challenges, and discussing work, relationships, and fatherhood. Here are a few other ideas:

• Host a small party or gathering to watch a sporting event or a weekly show that everyone is into.

• Start a book or movie club.

• Launch a monthly meetup for people in your industry (entrepreneurs, artists, accountants, etc.).

Hosting doesn’t have to be hard or complicated. Most people are just delighted to get out of their house for some bites, bubbly, and good conversation. If your home doesn’t feel “host ready,” just suggest a meet up at a coffee shop, wine bar, or favorite restaurant.

Hold a “Friend-of-a-Friend” Party

The number one way I’ve made new friends as an adult? Meeting my friends’ friends. Recently, one of my old friends threw a “bring a friend” party where each person brought one of their girlfriends. The expectation was clear: we would all mingle and form new connections. Brilliant!

Eat at a Bar Alone

This one is not for everyone, but my chef brother has made so many friends simply by chatting with industry people at wine bars and restaurants. When he travels, he sometimes brings small gifts for the kitchen staff (Rancho Gordo beans! Vintage bourbon!) to break the ice. I’m not in the industry, but I love dining alone and have often connected with fellow solo diners just by eating at the bar. Bring a book for security, but keep an open mind for connections.

Accept (Embrace?) Awkwardness

Making new friends as an adult is hard. Give yourself permission to stumble a little, and accept that awkwardness is usually part of the process. Forming healthy, intimate friendships is a cornerstone of lasting contentment and fulfillment, so a little awkwardness is worth it in the long run. You’ve got this.

Have you found a successful way of making new meaningful connections as an adult? Please share in the comments below.

Some things I’m reading, watching, wearing, or just enjoying. Take a peek and let me know what you’re loving in the comments below!

Reading: Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen (loved this interview with him via

Chris Guillebeau

)

Loving: My super simple, minimalist, 5-minute skincare and makeup routine. Detailed here.

Listening: This podcast interview with stay-at-home mom-turned-comedian Zarna Garg is so funny, inspiring, and moving. Her daughter’s college essay about her mother’s unlikely career (which was published in the New York Times) made me ugly cry in my car. Listen here - the essay is read 14:09 minutes in.

Go See Some Art: My friend Tiffany Shlain's solo exhibition YOU ARE HERE opens September 5th at the Nancy Hoffman Gallery in NYC, with an activation & artist talk Sept 21st, and she has some other very cool events coming up in LA and the SF Bay Area.  Info Linked Here.

Feel Safer Walking Alone: I am a huge fan of solo walks and also of personal safety! The Birdie is a super compact, discreet, travel-safe and TSA-approved personal safety device the size of a key chain. I’m ordering one for myself and my daughters immediately. A great gift for all the women in your life. Linked here.

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