A few years ago I ended a friendship of over 25 years. She was draining and negative and had a difficult energy to be around. I stayed in this friendship because I knew her for so long and knew her challenging home life. I felt like I needed to stay with her because I was a positive presence for her. However, in the end she started attacking me and blaming me for struggles she was having. It had crossed the line. I finally understood the saying that some people are meant for a season. I wished her the best, but said I can’t be there for her anymore the way she needs.
Sadly I have done the same. It is not easy. I noticed I was doing more of the reaching out. When I stopped doing this, I did not hear from this person for a few months. I became stronger and at this point I realized I was happier and more at peace without the friendship. I wished her peace and happiness and said good bye.
Fantastic post, Shira. I moved overseas 16 months ago. So I’ve been building a local social circle from scratch in my early 50s (!) in a foreign country after 20 years of living in one city with pretty much the same group of friends. This move is a fascinating opportunity to think about what types of relationships I want - questions like you listed above -and learn where my boundaries really are and what relationship parameters I might have accepted in the past that weren’t actually serving me. And it’s kind of amusing too, feeling a bit almost like a college student entering a new environment knowing no one and having to figure it out. Part of me was like “OMG do I even remember how to do this new friendship thing?!😉
I am going through this now. The group changed in covid times, people dropped out, as we are seniors there are health issues either their spouses, children or themselves, and then there is the political climate. The group use to be fun, supportive, and we learned a lot now, that is gone. I am thinking about dropping out and I am investigating other interests. The common thread has unraveled and I feel weird leaving a group that was vibrant and supportive it’s changing again and I don’t think I will be around for the new group.
Oh, the topic of adult friendships! I’m am struggling with this. I also have had a friend of over 25 years who has become increasingly negative and says things (politician/cultural) that I just can’t abide anymore. We’re part of a small friend group who used to spend more time together because we were also colleagues for many years. I no longer work with them because I’ve changed careers and am self-employed and it makes me wonder if I had met some of them in a social setting rather than work if we would have become friends at all. So I agree that we have done friends just a for a season.
What makes that idea difficult for me is that I still want to be friends with college roommates of 30 years ago but they all live in the east coast and I’m in Colorado. I’ve attempted to initiate group zooms and some girls’ weekends but plans seem to fall flat if I’m not driving it and I don’t even get much response when I send texts. Add the fact that I’ve been divorced for 17 years (they’re still all married), am an empty nester (they are just this year) and am less busy with work (they’re all still highly involved in big careers), and my ADHD probably is coming with some relationship perception issues 🙄, and I keep thinking I’ve done something wrong. Ugh!
I have met a few women locally in women’s networking groups since I left my teaching career that I’ve actually connected with. I’m not attending the networking groups any more since I didn’t like the surface level conversations about things I care nothing about (Botox and over-the-tip girls’ nights out). So I suppose it’s time to put in my big girl pants and be the one to initiate some coffee and lunch dates with the women I do like 🙂.
This is not a hot take - but something I’ve found that really helps me stay connected with friends is sending voice notes rather than texts or even calls.
Let’s face it, we’re all busy, so being able to communicate in depth messaging that’s personal and shows emotion is so much more important than timing a call or a FaceTime just right!
I have to admit my initial take on this headline was like "wow this is a little harsh" but reading the article now I totally get it. We all have a limited social battery and only so many hours in the day. I think the key thing you're trying to get at is that this is an area of your life we don't just have to let happen to us- we can be intentional with the relationships we cultivate!
I will say, nothing makes me more delighted than walking a few blocks to my yoga studio and passing 5 people I know on the way- like I *adore* that feeling of being in community and want even more of those neighborhood connections in my life, but I find my energy kind of sapped by being on 10 different text threads pinging away all day.
This post definitely has made me think about what sort of relationships I want more of and maybe less of in my life.
Thanks for this thoughtful essay, Shira. I've recently been burned by a group of "friends" and it's making me pause and reflect on several relationships in my life. Simultaneously, it's made me very grateful for my closest friends who I have consistent contact with. I'm going to spend my energy focusing on them!
I believe in this totally but ... what happens when it's a family member? I saw my sister-in-law for who she is last Christmas, and I'm really struggling to want to be around her for special holidays & events. Because she tempers them in a way that kind of ruins that special day. Last Christmas, she totally baited me, which shocked the hell out of me. I'm used to her acting like she is left out (when she isn't), etc. but the mean-spiritedness of her behavior at that moment made me wake up to how she is just a bit unpleasant. While I can deal with that, I don't want to be around her for special times.
My sister, two sisters-in-law, and I are extremely close, and one way we ensure having regular time together is to get together for each of our birthdays (four times a year). We see each other much more often than that, but it’s usually with some combination of our ten kids in tow or at a larger family BBQ. These special girls nights ensure we get sacred, focused time together. It takes planning (often months in advanced) but it’s always worth it.
Relationship minimalism has been a helpful and clarifying way for me to regain energy, strengthen boundaries and solidify relationships with intention. Shira’s ideas ring true for me.
After being evaluated for 5 types of cancer that required 2 surgeries, 5 procedures and countless imaging in a ten month period, it became very clear who was showing up in my life and who I wanted to give my time to.
However, what feels more difficult is understanding how to approach the middle ground - Shira writes “consider how to thoughtfully transition away from relationships that consistently drain you” and I’m curious what answers others have come up with…
I find there are many relationships in my life that are quite neutral (not draining or negative) and I wonder how these fit into a more simple approach to investing with intention - is there a way to make space for these, or are they ultimately distracting and limiting my capacity to invest elsewhere?
A few years ago I ended a friendship of over 25 years. She was draining and negative and had a difficult energy to be around. I stayed in this friendship because I knew her for so long and knew her challenging home life. I felt like I needed to stay with her because I was a positive presence for her. However, in the end she started attacking me and blaming me for struggles she was having. It had crossed the line. I finally understood the saying that some people are meant for a season. I wished her the best, but said I can’t be there for her anymore the way she needs.
Sadly I have done the same. It is not easy. I noticed I was doing more of the reaching out. When I stopped doing this, I did not hear from this person for a few months. I became stronger and at this point I realized I was happier and more at peace without the friendship. I wished her peace and happiness and said good bye.
Same. After twenty years. Being bullied for the nth time crosses a line. You try to be supportive and then it's done.
Fantastic post, Shira. I moved overseas 16 months ago. So I’ve been building a local social circle from scratch in my early 50s (!) in a foreign country after 20 years of living in one city with pretty much the same group of friends. This move is a fascinating opportunity to think about what types of relationships I want - questions like you listed above -and learn where my boundaries really are and what relationship parameters I might have accepted in the past that weren’t actually serving me. And it’s kind of amusing too, feeling a bit almost like a college student entering a new environment knowing no one and having to figure it out. Part of me was like “OMG do I even remember how to do this new friendship thing?!😉
Love this Shira! Your points really resonated. Needed this today. ❤️
Exactly on my mind this week! Thank you Shira! 🌟🙌🏻
I am going through this now. The group changed in covid times, people dropped out, as we are seniors there are health issues either their spouses, children or themselves, and then there is the political climate. The group use to be fun, supportive, and we learned a lot now, that is gone. I am thinking about dropping out and I am investigating other interests. The common thread has unraveled and I feel weird leaving a group that was vibrant and supportive it’s changing again and I don’t think I will be around for the new group.
I love this! I’ve done a lot of relationship editing the past few years and while it has been painful, it was so necessary.
Oh, the topic of adult friendships! I’m am struggling with this. I also have had a friend of over 25 years who has become increasingly negative and says things (politician/cultural) that I just can’t abide anymore. We’re part of a small friend group who used to spend more time together because we were also colleagues for many years. I no longer work with them because I’ve changed careers and am self-employed and it makes me wonder if I had met some of them in a social setting rather than work if we would have become friends at all. So I agree that we have done friends just a for a season.
What makes that idea difficult for me is that I still want to be friends with college roommates of 30 years ago but they all live in the east coast and I’m in Colorado. I’ve attempted to initiate group zooms and some girls’ weekends but plans seem to fall flat if I’m not driving it and I don’t even get much response when I send texts. Add the fact that I’ve been divorced for 17 years (they’re still all married), am an empty nester (they are just this year) and am less busy with work (they’re all still highly involved in big careers), and my ADHD probably is coming with some relationship perception issues 🙄, and I keep thinking I’ve done something wrong. Ugh!
I have met a few women locally in women’s networking groups since I left my teaching career that I’ve actually connected with. I’m not attending the networking groups any more since I didn’t like the surface level conversations about things I care nothing about (Botox and over-the-tip girls’ nights out). So I suppose it’s time to put in my big girl pants and be the one to initiate some coffee and lunch dates with the women I do like 🙂.
This is not a hot take - but something I’ve found that really helps me stay connected with friends is sending voice notes rather than texts or even calls.
Let’s face it, we’re all busy, so being able to communicate in depth messaging that’s personal and shows emotion is so much more important than timing a call or a FaceTime just right!
I have to admit my initial take on this headline was like "wow this is a little harsh" but reading the article now I totally get it. We all have a limited social battery and only so many hours in the day. I think the key thing you're trying to get at is that this is an area of your life we don't just have to let happen to us- we can be intentional with the relationships we cultivate!
I will say, nothing makes me more delighted than walking a few blocks to my yoga studio and passing 5 people I know on the way- like I *adore* that feeling of being in community and want even more of those neighborhood connections in my life, but I find my energy kind of sapped by being on 10 different text threads pinging away all day.
This post definitely has made me think about what sort of relationships I want more of and maybe less of in my life.
Thanks for this thoughtful essay, Shira. I've recently been burned by a group of "friends" and it's making me pause and reflect on several relationships in my life. Simultaneously, it's made me very grateful for my closest friends who I have consistent contact with. I'm going to spend my energy focusing on them!
I believe in this totally but ... what happens when it's a family member? I saw my sister-in-law for who she is last Christmas, and I'm really struggling to want to be around her for special holidays & events. Because she tempers them in a way that kind of ruins that special day. Last Christmas, she totally baited me, which shocked the hell out of me. I'm used to her acting like she is left out (when she isn't), etc. but the mean-spiritedness of her behavior at that moment made me wake up to how she is just a bit unpleasant. While I can deal with that, I don't want to be around her for special times.
My sister, two sisters-in-law, and I are extremely close, and one way we ensure having regular time together is to get together for each of our birthdays (four times a year). We see each other much more often than that, but it’s usually with some combination of our ten kids in tow or at a larger family BBQ. These special girls nights ensure we get sacred, focused time together. It takes planning (often months in advanced) but it’s always worth it.
Relationship minimalism has been a helpful and clarifying way for me to regain energy, strengthen boundaries and solidify relationships with intention. Shira’s ideas ring true for me.
After being evaluated for 5 types of cancer that required 2 surgeries, 5 procedures and countless imaging in a ten month period, it became very clear who was showing up in my life and who I wanted to give my time to.
However, what feels more difficult is understanding how to approach the middle ground - Shira writes “consider how to thoughtfully transition away from relationships that consistently drain you” and I’m curious what answers others have come up with…
I find there are many relationships in my life that are quite neutral (not draining or negative) and I wonder how these fit into a more simple approach to investing with intention - is there a way to make space for these, or are they ultimately distracting and limiting my capacity to invest elsewhere?