Is Relationship Minimalism a Thing?

Friendship breakups and fewer, better relationships

What if instead of juggling dozens of surface-level friendships, you could have just a few deeply fulfilling relationships that actually energize you?

In my newest book LifeStyled I define minimalism as being radically intentional— not just with the things you own, but with how you spend your time, resources, and energy. It's about clarifying what's important to you and cutting the clutter and distractions that stand in the way. To me, minimalism doesn't refer to the lack or absence of something—it's about having the perfect amount. Just enough without the excess. So how might this apply to friendships, relationships, or community?

Photography: Vivian Johnson for LifeStyled

Step One: Clarify Your Ideal Connection Cadence

Introverted tendencies aside, I am a very social person, but I have often fallen into the trap of having a ton of friends and acquaintances I see in random bits and bursts when all I really wanted was a few very tight, consistent relationships. Over the past several years I've leaned into prioritizing a handful of very close friendships and cutting back on the superficial or draining connections that just didn't feel valuable or fulfilling. My new relationship motto is all killer, no filler.

Ask yourself what connection cadence is ideal for you? How often would you like to engage in social meetups or gatherings in a given week or month?

Here's what this looks like for me, a very social introvert:

Weekly:

• 5x family dinners at home

• 1x date night with Jordan

• 1x date nights with friends

• 1x lunch date with colleagues

Monthly:

• 1x party or event (hosting)

• 1x party or event (attending)

Your turn: What's your ideal connection cadence? Think it through, jot it down, and talk with your people so you can make it happen.

Step Two: Clarify Your Relationship Sweet Spots

How can you build your relationship dream team? Start by identifying the qualities you value most in a relationship. On my list:

• Kindness

• Humor

• Thoughtfulness

• Loyalty

• Transparent Communication

• Depth / Vulnerability

• Effort and Energy

Your turn: What's on your list? Which traits do you value most in a relationship?

Step Three: Clarify Your Relationship Dealbreakers

Just as important as knowing what you want is knowing what you won't accept.

We all have different standards and boundaries when it comes to what we will and won't tolerate. I recently walked away from a longstanding friendship because several of my relationship deal-breakers were violated. The whole thing was excruciatingly painful, but ultimately strengthened my relationship with myself and cleared space for new relationships that have felt much more fulfilling.

On my dealbreaker list:

• Any form of cruelty / lack of kindness towards others

• Lying, betrayal, manipulation, or dishonesty

• Being consistently unsupportive, critical, or negative

• Poor or indirect communication

• Those who are unable to show up when the going gets tough. The job description includes good and bad times.

• Chronically flakey or late to plans. I know it's not personal, but it just doesn't work for me.

Your turn: what behaviors or patterns signal to you that a relationship might not be the right fit?

If you have current relationships that leave you feeling consistently depleted, exhausted, or frustrated, consider how to thoughtfully transition away from relationships that consistently drain you. It can feel hard and painful and clumsy, but ultimately worth it to honor your personal values. Surround yourself with people who are able to show up for you, are enjoyable to be with, and add real value to your life.

Step Four: Invest in the Relationships You Value Most

With the frenetic pace of modern life it can be far too easy to neglect or overlook the most important people in our lives. Make a short list of the relationships or communities you want to invest in most. On my working list:

• Individual dates with each of my kids 2x month

• Dinner and movie date with Jordan each week

• A weekly Zoom with my BFF who moved to the east coast (sob!)

Clarify what this might look like for you - meeting up with a friend once a week? Taking an evening walk with your partner? A monthly hike with your friend group or community? Make it actionable and specific and put it on the calendar.

READER PROMPT: Have you found any simple ways of investing in the relationships you want to prioritize? Share your favorite relationship investment strategies in the comments - I'd love to learn from your experience!

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